McKenzie's Musings

A little piece of me...

As I watched the most recent interview with Portia De Rossi (now Portia DeGeneres) on Oprah, discussing her memoir "Unbearable Lightness", I couldn't believe how much of what she said resonated so deeply within me.  I have never struggled with an eating disorder, but I have struggled and still do at times, with feelings of deep shame, regarding the way, I believe, God made me.  I don't know how to cut and paste portions of you tube videos or embed them for that matter, but here goes...If it works properly, in minutes 2-6 of the below video, Portia captures the heart of my adolescent life.  Sadly, my journey toward freedom did not even begin until I turned 30.  

 

Try as I might,I have never quite been normal.  Nothing about my life has ever fit any kind of mold.  But, as I get older and ever slightly wiser ;) I am learning that even though many people do not understand me and certainly can't begin to comprehend the complexities that make up this person that I am and will continue to become, I understand her and I accept her and hopefully those that matter most to me will eventually follow suit. 

The following song called Travelin Through, was written by one of my favorite people in the world - Dolly Parton!  She wrote it for an extraordinary movie called "Transamerica."  This song captures exactly where I am in my journey this day...I hope it speaks to so many of you, the way it did me on this beautiful Sunday morning.

Download 01 Travelin' Thru

As the song says - I’m out here on my journey, just trying to make the most of it. I’m a puzzle.  I must figure out where all my pieces fit.  I’m just a weary pilgrim trying to find what feels like home.  Where that is no one can tell me...Am I doomed to ever roam?  

Questions I have many.  Answers but a few.  We’ve all been crucified and they nailed Jesus to the tree.  God made me for a reason and nothing is in vain…Redemption comes in many shapes with many kinds of pain.  Oh sweet Jesus, if you’re listenin (and I know you are)* keep me ever close to you…as I’m stumbling, tumbling, wandering…as I’m travelin through.

 

 

Not for the faint of heart...

Do you ever feel like you are in such a weird place in your life that you don’t even know who you are, what you believe, what you want, what you are meant to accomplish in the world…or anything really? 

This, I am sad to report, is my current state of mind: absolutely, positively certain of absolutely NOTHING.  I’m not gonna lie, it’s not a great place to be.  I definitely would NOT recommend it even to my worst enemy, which incidentally, I am not even certain about who that is…  I suppose it’s a good thing that I don’t dislike anyone enough to grant him/her the worst enemy description, but I digress. 

If one were looking for the silver lining, I suppose being absolutely certain about absolutely nothing does open the doorway to a plethora of new findings, new beliefs, new purpose, etc., etc… Blah blah blah. J  Unfortunately for me, unless all of these new things miraculously appear when I awake in the morning I have a long and particularly windy road ahead of me.

 I’ve been living in Connecticut for seven months now and let me just say, this is NO Florida!  We have had four snow storms already this winter and it is freaking cold!! My 14 year old Florida Celica has been slippin and slidin all over the roads, but we’re getting there. J  The worst part is, I have yet to be able to snowboard on account of breaking my back! (I fell down the stairs at my new place) L My back has finally healed, however, and as I mentioned above, I have moved out of the ghetto of Hartford to the more suburban area of Southington, Connecticut and I start a new job as a Public Sector Account Executive on Monday at 5:30am, which is a significant promotion for me with Sprint.  Things are seemingly looking up for me, yet I still can’t seem to shake these sporadic times of feeling sad, lost and ultimately alone. 

Isn’t it amazing how a decision I made back in June of 2007 is directly affecting the start of my 2009?! 

In June of 2007 after ending my 10 year stint as a Student Ministry Director for a couple of different PCA churches, I decided to explore a side of myself that I had been fighting against as far back as I can recall.  I distinctly remember, my freshman year of high school, begging God on a rather frequent basis to please not let me be Gay!!  This dormant fear was brought to the forefront because my best friend, whom I lived with at the time, would come into my room at night after her rendezvous with her boyfriend(s) and tell me all about what had happened and all I could think about was her; how I wanted to be the one doing those things with her.  Thus began my pleading with God to not let me be gay!  Over and over again I pleaded, from 1991 to 2007 as I encountered more and more of these attractions, which became harder and harder to fight.  But, alas, all the years of fighting and praying against it were to no avail.  Countless hours of therapy and Christian conferences, directed specifically toward the healing of this issue, again to no avail.  A ton of growth and healing took place in other areas in my life via counseling, praying, etc., but my attraction to women never changed.  Finally in June of 2007 I gave up the battle and began to explore this other side of myself and in July of 2007 I began to talk with a girl named Drue, who is beautiful, smart, funny and who loves both God and His creation and challenged me in very real ways, which I had never been challenged before.  When I would go out with her I would come home finally feeling the way my best friend from high school described feeling after her dates and how all of my friends to come would describe their feelings after spending time with those they were attracted to.   After much turmoil, in August of 2007 I decided to begin my first official dating relationship with a female.  As you can imagine this caused quite a ruckus within my Christian community, much like I imagine this blog will cause for those of you reading, who were not yet aware of this decision.  Nevertheless I wanted to write openly about it so people can hear from me once and for all how I ended up in a lesbian relationship.  It was not something shady or shameful.  It was simply a conscious decision after leaving my employment with the Church to explore with God another side of myself. 

This decision would ultimately end up costing me most everything that mattered to me.  I lost my church, my community, my best friends, whom had become my family, and as a result ended up moving to Hartford, Ct.  This decision was partly to escape my life and partly to go back to school, but mostly it was to be with Drue as she entered Residency at UCONN.  While I do not regret this decision, as I know it was the one I needed to make at the time, this is the very decision that is most directly affecting the start of my 2009.  Unfortunately, or fortunately, however you choose to look at it, Drue and I officially broke up in October/November of 2008 and I felt like I lost everything because I had already given up so much in order to be in the relationship with her to begin with.  I really didn’t know what to do or where to turn.  There was really no reason for me to go back to Florida or for me to stay in CT.  For the first time I felt like I didn’t really belong anywhere and no matter what decision I made it would not take away the pain or the loss I experienced in 2008.  Thankfully, at just the right time, I met a most amazing couple, (Donna and Amy) who’ve been together for 15 years, who love both God and each other in a way in which I just cannot imagine God could be displeased.  Donna and Amy, after meeting me only twice, graciously allowed me to move into the first floor of their home as I figure out the answers to some of the above questions.  At the same time I found out that I was, in fact, being offered the promotion I mentioned above with Sprint.  So all signs clearly began pointing to my remaining in Ct., at least for the time being. 

As I enter 2009 I can honestly say I have no idea what the future holds or what all of the answers are to the questions that began this blog.  The one thing I have realized as I have gone through the process of writing this blog, however, is that there is at least one thing of which I am absolutely certain and that is that my Savior and my God has not abandoned me in the midst of my pain and uncertainty.  He does not see me as some hideous abomination.  He merely sees his child, desperately trying to find her way though a very messy, 3 dimensional world, where the answers to the hard questions, if you really look deeply at them, are not black and white.  They are multicolored and multidimensional and often very difficult to navigate through.  I am absolutely certain that He knows my heart; knows how desperately I’m clinging to my connection to Him and how hard I genuinely am striving to do what’s right and to find a sense of peace in the midst of the complexities of this world.  And because I have at least this one thing of which I am certain I can enter 2009 with hope.  Hope that all of this pain and all of the loss that I experienced in 2008 had a purpose for me, for my life, for whatever impact I am meant to have on the world.  I am looking forward to a year that brings me to a place of healing and rest, but I am also painfully aware that the only way I can find the peace and rest that I am so desperately longing for is to follow the pathway that leads me directly through the pain and the loss.  I must go through the fire, if you will, trusting that there is healing and wholeness and love unlike any other on the other side.   

Ask and you shall receive:

After many, MANY months and many more requests I'm finally posting a new blog. Since my last blog I have travelled across the globe to South Africa, Swaziland and Mozambique and have moved across the United States and now reside in the South End of Hartford, Connecticut - otherwise known as the HOOD. I'm not exaggerating at all about living in the hood. There will be pictures forth coming of the house and the surrounding neighborhood. I saw more people getting arrested in my first two weeks of living here than I have seen in my entire life. Never a dull moment here. :-) Despite the chaos of my surroundings I am starting to get settled here and feel like it is home, though I miss Florida and my family and friends terribly.
I have been studying hard and hope to take the GRE in the next couple of weeks so I can begin applying to Masters/Doctorate programs in the area, namely UCONN - Go Huskies! :) In other news I turned 31 a few days ago, which was slightly depressing, but not as bad as I thought. I had a wonderful birthday dinner and of course chocolate cake! This weekend I am going to some undisclosed location to officially celebrate. I am looking forward to getting outside of the Ghetto for a while. I have so much more to report and pictures to upload but for now I will leave you with some of the amazing pictures from Africa. Check out the photo album towards the bottom of this page entitled Africa 08.

My how things change

It turns out turning thirty is completely INSANE! My life has completely changed in both good and bad ways, depending on whom you ask. :-) I have a new job, new roommates, all new friends, a new, amazing best friend, ten pounds added to my body :-( and the list goes on..!
Allow me to begin with the catalyst for all of this change. Approximately one month before my 30th birthday, as many of you know, I lost my job of 4 1/2 years as the Female Student Ministry Director at Orangewood Church. I had been doing full time student ministry since I graduated from college in 1999, EIGHT years ago. (ugh, I'm seriously starting to feel old) Prior to that I was involved in part time and volunteer student ministry for almost my entire four years in college. My point being my entire life has been based on and around student ministry in some form or another for the last 11 to 12 years of my life.
Just as I turned thirty all of this changed. I contemplated several career/ job options upon finishing my time at orangewood, but none of those options had anything to do with "career" ministry. As it turns out my losing my job at Orangewood was the exact catalyst I needed to spur me on to the new places and challenges that God had drawn out for me. I suddenly realized that most of my life has been spent attempting to take care of everyone around me - to love them, teach them and guide them in the right direction for their lives. Until I woke up one morning and realized I wasn't even sure where I was guiding myself. It has become very clear, though I miss it terribly, that I needed a break from ministry - a break from being the person people look to as their role model, a break from being the person who has the right answers re: God and his people and the things he requires of us...and mostly a break from the intense scrutiny that comes with being in full time ministry. I needed a break from it all. I needed time to be free to think and question my own thoughts, feelings and beliefs and frankly to do a bit of my own wrestling with God.
The downfall of this time period is that several of my "friends" and "Christian community" have chosen to walk away from me and our friendship, in essence to "ban" me from my "community". I absolutely know these particular people believe in their hearts that they are doing the "right" thing, what God would want them to do. Bu if one thing has become clear to me over the last four months, it's that so many Christians are the WORST reflections of Christ. I truly believe that he is far more gracious and merciful than evangelical Christians make him out to be. According to the Bible, He is the God of love and hope and peace. He is full of compassion, slow to anger, and abounding in love; and even in the midst of my wrestling with him and my own sadness and loss he has not abandoned me and continues to fill me with peace, joy, love and unending hope. Hope that there will come a day when loving and compassionate and gracious will be the words used by the world to describe his followers instead of hate, condemnation and hypocrisy.
The main difference in m life post "career" ministry is that I have stepped outside of my little Christian bubble and frankly, I LOVE it out here! I love the conversations I've had and continue to have and the way my faith has been challenged and re-ignited!
I have a full time job at Sprint as a Retention Specialist now, which has me interacting with so many different types of people than I ever would have before. I've learned so much about so many different races and the levels of racism and discrimination that are still very prevalent in our world. I have two male roommates, who both make no claims to be Christians and in fact while, at least one of them would say he believes and loves God, He can't stand Christians and would not want to be associated with them in any way, shape or form, me excluded, of course. :-) This is Big Mike, my Puerto Rican protector! He is a very funny, kind hearted young man, whom I am thankful to have met. The same goes for my other roommate Jessie, who's picture has somehow disappeared from my computer. BOOOO Iphoto! Last, but certainly not least, I leave you with some pictures from New Year's Eve with some of my new fabulous friends. The one closest to me in the pictures, being my best friend ever.

These are just a few of the amazing friends I have made on this four month journey. These beautiful people, along with a small few of my faithful friends here in Orlando and my family at home, have been, what I believe to be, the more accurate representation of Christ and His unwavering love and acceptance in the last four months and I am forever grateful for their presence in my life at such a crucial time.

Silly little facts

My friendCarrie one of the funniest people I know posted this survey on her blog and I found it quite enjoyable to read random facts about her life which I had not previously discovered. Seeing as I have not posted anything other than a new photo album in quite some time and don't quite have the energy yet for a deep heartfelt post of the myriad of things going on in my mind... I decided to steal her idea. So here is my little survey...feel free to steal it and make your own survey or to comment on mine. :-)

(X) Been to Canada - Heck yea, my Father, (Paul) is from Canada. Just after my sisters and I were adopted he and my mom took us on a trip to new york and canada! Niagara falls baby! I also saw a man jump from the third or fourth floor of a hotel balcony while I was there...not sure what he was trying to accomplish, but it was crazy.
(X) Been to Mexico - three times, all of which were on missions trips. Two times to Casa Hogar one of my favorite places on earth. I love my little nina's!
(X) Been to Florida - I was born there and have lived there for all but five years of my life (college and my first job thereafter.)

(X) Been on a plane - My first plane ride wasn't until my sophomore year of high school when I flew to maryland with my boyfriend Steve (yes, the one Carrie, my high school best friend mentions dancing in the rain with among other things) to visit his family for Christmas. Since then a billion times and soon I will be on the longest plane ride of my life to Johanessburg, Africa!
(X) Been lost - Absolutely! in all ways possibly...physically, emotionally, philosophically, etc. I feel a little philosophically lost right now, but am slowly finding myself and what I believe to be truth.
(X) Been on the opposite side of the country - Yes, a couple of times. Once to meet Jay Leno and another time to meet Ellen...oh, and also to visit my friend Carrie...mentioned a couple of times above. :-)

(X) Swam in the ocean -A million times in the Atlantic, never in the pacific, but it's on my life list.

(X) Cried yourself to sleep - All too many times.

(x) Played cops and robbers - Cops and robbers was one of my all time favorite games to play as a kid. Transformers and Star Wars pretend games were a close second. I seriously wanted to BE an ewok or at least live with them somewhere. :-)

(x ) Played with a Tonka Truck - Of course, everyone has...right?! It wasn't my favorite though...

(x) Recently colored with crayons - Definitely I love to color. I think it is good therapy.

(X) Sang karaoke - Yes, but only when forced or after many beverages of the alocoholic variety.

(x) Paid for a meal with only coins - a couple of times I used all the change stored in my car at a drive through window when I realized that I left my purse at home. The cashiers LOVE it and me, I don't care what they say. :-)

(X) Done something you told yourself you wouldn’t? - Both unfortunately and fortunately, Yes.

(X) Made prank phone calls - Of course, but come on doesn't everyone still enjoy a good prank call!? :-)
(x) Caught a snowflake on your tongue - Everytime I am in the snow I feel the need to stick out my tongue at some point and catch snowflakes for a while. I think it has something to do with growing up in florida...the snow just fascinates me...at least until I can no longer feel my phylanges.

( ) Danced in the rain - Unfortunately I have not had this experience, though it is one I definitely want to have.
( ) Written a letter to Santa Claus - Christmas's weren't really big around my house growing up...so Inever really got into this one.

(X) Been kissed under the mistletoe - My very first kiss ever was under mistle toe at recess outside on the playground in eighth grade in front of half of the school. The boy I was completely infatuated with kissed me!! Aaron Lay and that HORRIBLE kiss are forever etched in my memory bank. I'm sure we are both much better now...I know I AM. :-)

(X) Watched the sunrise with someone you care about - Numerous times. I do love the sunrise when I have not yet gone to sleep...it's the dragging myself out of bed so early to see it that stings a bit.

(X) Blown bubbles - Seriously?! this is one of the questions?? Of course I've blown bubbles before.

(X) Made a bonfire on the beach - I have had a bonfire on a beach two times and both were fabulous. One was while leading a college retreat where we were worshiping and partaking in communion and the ohter was with my friend Carrie and some of her friends out in L.A., two of whom, unbeknownst to them have had a drastic affect on my life. The two experiences are vastly different but both were awesome! I need another bonfire on the beach soon and another Carrie visit!

( ) Crashed a party - Can't say I've crashed a party...I always make a party better by showing up. :-)

( ) Crashed a wedding - No way! Being on church staffs for 8 years had me invited to enough weddings that I had NO desire to be at them without the invite. :-)

( ) Crashed a funeral - NO WAY that seems awful! I would be totally depressed even without knowing the person.

(X) Gone ice-skating - A few times in my eight years in student ministry. I'm really, really horrible. I always find myself wanting to do those ice skater tricks while I am out there and am quickly reminded of how ungraceful I am on ICE.

1. Any nicknames? None, that I wish to speak of. :-)

2. Mother’s name? Hmmm....Biological - Christine Ann. Adopted - Linda Kaye Took me in for two crucial years in my life and treated me like their daughter - Brenda Chapin

3. Favorite drink? Sweet Tea from Chick fil A hands down! Drink Drink - it all depends on the night! :-)

4. Any tattoos? One. A daisy to remind me of my special friend, my kindred spirit out in the Icy Tundra known as Green Bay Wisconsin. Kimberly Johnson, what a beautiful woman - there is no one like you, my friend!

5. Body piercing? As of now I have one hole in each ear, a belly button ring and a nose ring. I used to also have a tongue ring and three holes in one ear and two in the other.

6. How much do you love your job? Hmm, I don't think I would use the word love right now. But it does pay well and I Love the people and it will definitely get me closer to my goal of becoming a licensed clinical psychologist.
7. Favorite vacation spot? I don't think I have a favorite. I mostly just love to be with the people that I love wherever they may be.

8. Ever been to Africa? No, but I am going there for two weeks at the end of February and I CAN'T wait!!

9. Ever eaten cookies for dinner? Absolutely cookies are one of my all time favorite foods.

10. Ever been on TV? Yes, several times. I was on good morning America. Yes, as a guest. I was also shown several times in the crowd on Ellen's talk show!

11. Ever steal any traffic signs? yep, I'm from a small town...we get bored.

12. Ever been in a car accident? Yes, a few. One my breaks went out as I was exiting the interstate...this lead to a head on collision. another time driving home late at night not really paying attention and pulled out in front of a suburban...which led to me waking up in the emergency room with blood on my head and face and needing stiches in my leg.

13. Drive a 2-door or 4-door vehicle? 2 door! I love my thirteen year old Toyota Celica that I bought six years ago on ebay. :-)

14. Favorite pie? Pumpkin Pie without any hesitation with TONS of whipped cream!

15. Favorite Number? don't really have one...3 i guess.

16. Favorite movie? I can never pick a single favorite food or movie etc. There are so many good ones and it always depends on my mood.

17. Favorite holiday? Thanksgiving maybe...cuz no gifts are needed and everyone is able to gather together and eat good food and enjoy their loved ones and reflect on all that they have to be thankful for.

18. Favorite dessert? Again depends on my mood, but there aren't many desserts I don't like...I have a ginormous sweet tooth. I can take or leave ice cream though.

19. Favorite food? See above answer...depends on my mood. I do love italian food and much to Drue's chagrin I do love a perectly seasoned and perfectly grilled steak.

20. Favorite day of the week? Depends on what my days off are and what my plans are. :-) The day that I get to spend the most time with those that are precious to me determines my favorite day of the week.

21. Favorite brand of body wash? Whatever smells good to me at the time.

22. Favorite toothpaste? Mentadent

23. Favorite smell? anything that brings me back to a particularly pleasant event in my life

24. What do you do to relax? pray, listen to music, watch TV, read, chat with my peeps

25. Do you have a message to your friends reading this? thanks for persevering this far. :-)

26. How do you see yourself in 10 years? As a Licensed Clinical Psychologist, married, hopefully children...content and secure, but not so content and secure that I am not aware of and actively involved in the needs of the world around us.

27. Furthest place you will send this message? Just to my blog...so that all depends on who reads my blog and from where they read it.

28. Who will respond the fastest? I honestly don't know that anyone will, but it's all good. I had much fun writing and reflecting on my life.
Hope everyone enjoyed my little tidbits.

More blogs to come in the future with the myriad of things that have been on my mind lately but were all too murky to attempt to write about. :-)

So much to say....

A lot has happened since I've done any real update on my blog.  I know most of you are unbelievably shocked at this because I usually post new blogs so FREQUENTLY:-)   One of my goals for the remainder of 2007 is to be better about making time to blog.  I always feel a sense of satisfaction when I take the time to process all the goings on in my life.  Turning 30 has proved to be quite the milestone for me.  My life couldn't possibly be any more different than it was when I was 29.  I have an entirely different job!  On Monday morning at 8:45 (too early!!) I begin my new adventures with Sprint/Nextel!!  So long AT&T, who should change their slogan to the network with the MOST dropped calls EVER!!!!  Hello brand new phone and free cell phone plan with Sprint - The Most Powerful Network!! :-)  I have new awesome friends (Corinne Davis!! Shantel), new roommates (welcome to my amazingly loving and beautiful pal Marie K!), a brand new mountain bike!! (thank you Amy and Ethan Pitsch, the best friends anyone could ever ask for!) two really awesome birthday parties - one with my friends and the other with my family, the closest relationships with my family that I have ever had up to this point in my life...




I've been to Chicago twice, to hang out with quite possibly the most amazing person I have ever met in my life - Drue Maureen!! I've been snorkeling and scallopping on my sisters brand new boat several times, which has given me a much needed tan and much needed and appreciated time with my family, not to mention the cutest nieces and nephews on the planet. :-)



I also spent two days in the hospital with some kind of lower abdominal issue, which gave me even   more time to draw near to my family. We are not a perfect family by any means, but we have been learning the value of truly loving and accepting each other at all costs.    This is a unique blessing, which I never thought I would be lucky enough to have, but am so thankful that God in His divine mercy has chosen to bless me with the myriad of family that He has and the myriad of people who "see everything of which I am ashamed..who see my light and love my dark," as Alanis Morisett would put it. :-) To be known and to be loved even still, this is a mere glimpse of the heaven that is to come. 

Losing It!!

Seriously I just turned 30 and already I am losing my mind. I have lost my camera!! Anyone who knows me knows that this is not just any camera. Oh no this is a nice camera, which came from the one and only Ellen Degeneres! I am still jobless at the moment and therefore cannot afford to replace the camera but I am missing some really fabulous kodak moments so this situation needs to remedied STAT! ( like the medical reference there Drue! It's just for you.) :-) So if anyone has seen a random camera lying around your house or car and you've thought to yourself..."hmm I wonder who's camera this is?" Please, for the love of all things holy and good call me up!! In the meantime if any of you are like wow I just have way too many digital cameras and want to loan one out...also PLEASE call. :-)

Trying to enjoy life without my special photo buddy,

Jenn

The BIG 3-0

Yes, I am officially leaving my 20's in a little over a week. For whatever reason this feels like a huge milestone in my life...a milestone which I am not ready to acheive. As one of my precious friends put it the other day as she was lovingly mocking my pain, "I don't want to grow up, Peter Pan." It's true though, I don't ...and turning 30 feels pretty grown up. So, in an effort to bring some sort of excitement or joy to the upcoming celebration of my birth, I thought I would re-post an updated list of "some things you might like to buy me." :-)
Here they are in no particular order. (notice some of the things from my previous list are gone, because this list is, in fact, working;-) }

Tennis Racquet
Tennis Lessons
Jade perfume from banana republic
Violen Lessons
A Mounntain Bike
Hip Hop Dance lessons
Dwight Bobble Head doll (from "The Office" for you weirdos who don't know who dwight is.)
Gift certificates to Ann Taylor Loft/Banana Republic or any other store in which one can find business attire as I have a new job now and will be needing some business attire, which I have VERY little of right now. Student Ministry doesn't require a whole lot of "business" attire.:-)
A Facial
Massage
manicure and/or pedicure
A cruise is always nice. :-)
A trip to Africa is also always nice...or Italy. :-)
Anything having to do with the Florida Gators
I always love cheesy/mushy sentimental things
A weekend at the beach
Dance Dance Revolution
A day with Ellen Degeneres and/or Beth Moore or even an hour... or even a phone call.
What else might make turning thirty not so bad...I think mostly just having friends and family around me who love and cherish me, even though I am "growing up."

What exactly did I do?

In case you ever wondered what it is that my job of the last eight years entailed I've added a new photo album with some of the more festiv activities of my former job. Check it out to the left.

I Say it's Great 2 B A Florida Gator!!

The entire purpose of this blog entry is to give a shout out to my BOIZ! HOLLA Noah, Horford, Brewer, Green and Humphrey!! Congrats on the entry to the FINAL FOUR!!!



Coming soon, more fabulous pics of my family and other happenings in my life, such as my new hair cut!! :-) Stay Tuned...